[JST]

I got an Audi Q7 today as an Enterprise rental/service loaner; it's the first chance I've had to drive one, and I was mildly excited since it's a vehicle I'd recommended people look at based solely on its spec sheet.

What a terrible, terrible mistake.

The Q7 is big. Really, really big. Exxon Valdez big. But as big as it is, it feels bigger. It's giant, square hood emphasizes its girth to the driver. It's boxy shoulders do the same. The standard Audi MMI and other controls feel like they were sized for an A4 or A3, and are comically underscale in its vast interior; they seem spread too thin, like they're the final few sprinkles you tried to stretch over the last six cookies.

None of that would matter if the Q7 drove well, but jesus, it. does. not. It lumbers over bumps, feeling both under- and over-damped at the same time. It somehow lets no road imperfection escape notice while simultaneously feeling like all the suspension components are covered in a thick wool carpet. There's no steering feel. There's no anything feel, except random jolts up through the chassis. How can something this heavy feel this perturbed at such slow speeds?

Hilariously, it has a "dynamic" chassis mode. That does not help.

The engine...is there? I guess? It's not slow but it doesn't feel particularly happy about going fast. This one is badged 3.0T, which I don't care enough to look up but I think means a single turbo 3.0 liter six with 300 plus hp, but it never feels enthusiastic about motivation. It's like a surly butler being asked to pick up the pace. I never thought an engine could roll its eyes, but this one does.

The automatic transmission is also present. It shifts gears for you, but not well. It also rolls its eyes. It and the engine would like you to leave them alone so they can go back to texting one another.

So why would anyone buy this thing? Over, say, an A4, which is better in literally every way, from performance to economy to comfort (and price)?

Well, it seats 7.

Which is what brings me to the "wrong with America" point. You don't need a car that seats 7 people, unless you are in a few very specific situations that likely do not apply to you. Do you have 4 kids*? Do you have 3 infants*? Do you coach a soccer team of people whose parents can't drive? Are you a school bus driver expected to bring your own bus?

If none of these apply to you, you don't need a 7 passenger car. A 5 passenger A4 will do just fine.

The fact that someone would get into this thing, and say "yes, I want this, it is good and what I need," is what makes me sad for America and the world.






*Jesus fucking Christ, why?? What the fuck is wrong with you?